Ghosts
by redcolours
Summary: Two weeks after Cal's funeral, Ethan starts to hallucinate and overdoses in an attempt to see his lost brother again. Will Alicia and the rest of the E.D be able to save him?


_"_ _Life is too short,"_

The words echoed clearly around the room as if spoken in this very second. Ethan blinked, staring up at the ceiling. He never knew whether he was asleep or not anymore but he knew it was morning –the sunlight spilled in from his blinds - and he was tired. He was always tired. After what happened, he could only sleep if he took pills or drank or both. Sometimes Alicia came over and talked until he fell asleep but Ethan never spoke. He couldn't.

Ethan could see a shadow of a man in the hallway of his flat. He took big gulps of air as he tried to focus on his chest rising and falling instead of the figure. Ethan eventually closed his eyes tight but found he couldn't do that either. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see Cal when he just wanted to see darkness. He couldn't escape what had happened whether his eyes were open or closed. No matter what he did, this wasn't going away.

At work, people still looked at him as if he were going to fall into a million little pieces at any moment. It had been two weeks since the funeral, since the speeches, and the coffin, and the drinks and whiskey afterwards and then…Ethan couldn't remember much after that. Since then, Ethan's head has felt constantly on fire and it's like he drags his feet across the ground instead of lifting them. Ethan knew it was the drink and the pills but he couldn't live without them. He couldn't sleep, or switch off all the thoughts and feelings without them.

He had begun to lose memories of his day and he found himself being in places, with patients, in cubicles, in the pub, at home, without knowing how he had got there. He didn't want to think about it too much. He just wanted to keep going and act how everyone expected him to act, like good, little, robotic Ethan.

He was in the staff room now and he wasn't sure how long he had been working. Max sat on the sofa reading something, probably a newspaper, and Dylan stood near Ethan, making tea or coffee for himself. Nobody talked. It was so deathly quiet, so eerie. The unspoken thing hung in the air. And yet, Ethan could not stop the noise in his head. He stood, slumped over the counter with a spoon in his hand, slowly stirring his tea, watching the waves and currents it created to try and calm the words. But he couldn't stop it.

 _"_ _You're my safety net, you're all I've got"_

Over and over in his head. The words from long ago, from a voice, a man, he would never hear again. The overbearing figure stood their ground in the centre of the room, beaming and pulsing, staring at Ethan with fierce determination. Ethan could not look away any longer and stared up at him, still arched over his tea.

It was Cal. He was soaking wet, and had blood all down his front, too much blood. He wore his dark, blue hoodie which was torn and Ethan noticed the "Protect Our Doctors" badge still pinned to his chest. Ethan stared in shock and breathed deeply. He knew he couldn't be there. His mind had made all of this up.

Dylan looked around to the source of Ethan's stares and then Max also noticed in curiosity. The floor was empty. Dylan turned back to Ethan who had not moved.

"Ethan," Dylan started, with a deep breath. "Are you okay?"

Ethan pulled his imagination away and looked back at Dylan. It was now he realised his eyes were filled with tears. He caught his breath as he spent a moment looking between Max and Dylan who both had concerned expressions on their faces.

"Erm, yeah," Ethan choked, clearing his throat.

"It's just, you've been stirring that cup of tea for about 10 minutes," Dylan explained, gesturing to the mug on the counter. "I would have thought it's probably gone cold." Ethan followed Dylan's gaze and found he still held his spoon in his hand. The liquid stood vibrating in his cup. He couldn't have been there for that long, Ethan tried to remember, but couldn't gather his thoughts.

"Right," Ethan mumbled slowly. He shook himself, trying to act normal. Looking up again at the others, he brushed it away.

"Excuse me," Busying himself, Ethan picked up his stethoscope from the counter – he had no idea how it had got there - and briskly left the room. Cal had gone.

In cubicles, Ethan found himself treating an old woman. He suspected it was just a virus; however the woman was insistent there was nothing wrong with her. She made it clear she didn't want any more pills and that the vitamins and tablets she was already taking were fine to keep her going until the end.

Ethan had his hands on her notes as he scribbled her details and ECG results. The patient was speaking, fondly, to Duffy who stood on the other side of the bed and Ethan was making the effort to block any sound out in order to concentrate.

"When you have lived as long as I have, you get used to the diagnosis, and then the treatment…" The old woman continued as Duffy listened, intently, smiling every now and then.

"And what happens to you … in the end?" the lady continued. Ethan stopped writing, mind frozen by her words.

"Everyone I've ever known has bitten the dust and it's not hard to get used to it. Oh, all the funerals!" The woman nodded. Duffy glanced to Ethan who stood, eyes focused in the same spot. The topic this patient was discussing was too much. Too much, too soon, Duffy thought.

"I've been to my fair share of funerals. Enough to know how to say good bye," the woman exclaimed.

The noise was drawing in closer and Ethan could sense wet footsteps moving towards him. He couldn't do this right now. Ethan focused on the woman and forced a smile. Hanging the notes back on the bed, Ethan walked away, forcing out the haunting ghost from his vision. He hoped Duffy wouldn't think anything of this, but she stared in concern after Ethan as he walked away.

Ethan passed Charlie, trying to look ahead and appear un-shaken but this was not fooling anyone as Charlie made his way to Duffy to find out what had happened. Dylan also stood nearby and the group decided to discuss Ethan's behaviour further with Elle and Connie.

In the office, Dylan explained Ethan's confusing actions in the staff room earlier that day and Connie and Elle decided to offer more support, whether or not they could persuade Ethan to take it. Connie offered to approach Ethan and try and convince him to take the afternoon off, and Charlie decided to go with her.

Everyone in the E.D could feel the pressure. The department felt torn, and lost, and broken without Cal. Without one of their strongest team members and one of their most caring friends, nothing felt the same. Nothing felt right.

Ethan stared down at his knuckles, curled tightly into fists. They were stinging in pain. He looked up and saw his locker, dented and distorted. Did he do that? He couldn't remember, he couldn't think. Burying his head in his hands, he felt tears on his cheeks again.

He was back. This time, Ethan could sense the ghost behind him. He could hear him breathing, moving. He couldn't turn around. He couldn't look.

 _"_ _Be more Cal"_

The words were so clear, so precise, in that voice. That smug little voice. Somebody was with him in the staff room. Somebody had to be behind him because the words were so alive. He was here…but it's not possible.

Be More Cal. How could he? Ethan hated who he was, who he had become. How could he be more like his brother when he could barely make it through the day? He couldn't be here.

Ethan lunged, with all the strength he had, spinning quickly and running his arm through the empty air. There was no one.

Connie and Charlie stood just inside the doorway, sorrow in their gaze. Ethan stared back at them, heart racing and finding his breathing becoming erratic again. They saw him. They saw him tear through a figure who wasn't there. Connie's eyes were in pain and pity and Ethan hated it.

With a small gasp, Connie whispered. "Ethan-"

"Sorry" Ethan interrupted, grabbing his coat and pushing past his colleagues. "I need some air," Ethan exclaimed quietly.

Ethan rushed through the department, catching everyone's attention. He felt hot and began to sweat. He needed to get out of here. Someone was following him, on his toes. He was still here.

In the reception, he could see the doors, the light from outside. He was almost there, but he could still hear all the noise, the whispers, the ghost. He couldn't take it.

He flung around violently to face him, stopping in his tracks.

There was no one there. Ethan stared ahead to where Charlie and Connie watched in shock. They had also followed Ethan from the staff room. Looking around him, the rest of his colleagues were staring too. They all think I'm going mad, Ethan thought, but he didn't want their sympathy. Alicia stood nearby at the reception desk but once she started near him, Ethan turned and rushed out the doors.

The cold air pierced his skin as Ethan wandered on, not knowing where he was going. His feet were walking on their own and he had no say in the matter. He stopped outside the hospital. This was where Cal died … cold and alone.

He was still here, with him, and the noise was becoming unbearable. He couldn't hear the sirens from the ambulances, or the people. He didn't notice anyone else. Just Cal, stood in the road, staring. The rain, the blood, dripping.

 _"_ _You've got me for life, Nibbles"_

Ethan let out a breath in a chuckle. "You're not real," he spoke quietly, with not an inch of hope in his voice. Sighing, Ethan looked down at the ground, closing his eyes to block out this nightmare. "You're not here."

But Cal was not budging. The ghost was adamant and the vision glared in Ethan's mind even stronger when Ethan looked up again. Then all the words, all the motions, came at once.

"I saw you dead. I buried you!" Ethan exclaimed, a little louder now. People outside the hospital were beginning to notice but Ethan couldn't see anything but Cal.

The anger came and it was raw and red. How could Cal do this to him? Why is he haunting him like this? 'Be More Cal' echoed in Ethan's mind over and over in a rhythm he couldn't shake. He let out a groan in infuriation. It was at this point Alicia and a crowd had emerged from the hospital and gathered by the E.D. doors, watching Ethan in disbelief. Iain and Jez stood by their ambulance, helpless.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!" Rage took over as Ethan shouted abuse, panting hard. Why would he want to be more like Cal when he's dead? If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened. "It's always about you … and now you're gone!" The tears came easily now and his friends stood a few metres away in misery over the sad scene that was unravelling in front of them. Ethan was shaking, tossing his insults into space.

"And..." Ethan sobbed, whispering now. "And what do I have now?"

Alicia's heart broke as she looked on.

"You said you'd be with me for life," Ethan continued speaking in a hushed tone, shaking his head in disappointment.

"You're a liar," Ethan exclaimed, starting to cry.

The image of Cal, which had been stable and un-moving up until now, looked at the ground and began to fade from existence, turning clear on Ethan's view and memories.

The team, Ethan's friends and colleagues, stood silently in shock at what just happened. Ethan had been reluctant to speak to anyone since Cal died and he kept quiet at work in a numb sort of grief. Everyone assumed it was his way of dealing but none of them expected this. All the emotion and the un-said words were spilling out of Ethan now, all in one go.

Charlie and Connie were there as well as Jacob and they all felt the emotions of that terrible day flooding back to them, in flashes. Cal had been so scared, so alone. Just like Ethan is now.

Ethan glanced at the crowd, and then at Alicia specifically. He no longer cared who thought he was mad. He just wanted everything to stop, the noise, the pain. He paced quickly from the hospital, towards home.

On his sofa, he was laying, freezing cold and aching like he had been walking for miles. His living room, his whole flat, felt different somehow. Something, someone was missing. The dark image of a lost brother no longer haunted the halls.

All Ethan had wanted was quiet and now it was even more unbearable. The silence was ear-piercing and completely unfair. Ethan knew he didn't mean all those things he said, and he knew the vision of Cal wasn't real, but he couldn't take the silence anymore.

He was all alone and nobody was coming to save him this time. Cal wasn't coming. He had begged for the ghost to leave and now all he wanted was for him to come back, to see him…one last time. He would give anything to see Cal just one more time, to say good bye… and to say thank you…for everything.

'Just one more time, Cal' bounced around Ethan's head for what felt like hours. He just wanted to be with his brother, that was all he wanted. He just wanted all this pain, all the tears, to stop. He wanted an end.

Ethan was on his side, staring at the pills on the table. How many had he taken? He couldn't remember…

"I'm sorry…" The word's escaped from Ethan's dying lips as he fell into darkness. He had failed everyone…and he prayed for endless sleep.

At the hospital, Alicia had made everyone aware she was going to visit Ethan straight after her shift finished and Lily offered to cover for her so she could leave early. Everyone just wanted Ethan back.

At the flat, Alicia knocked on the door but no one answered. The place was quiet but Alicia knew Ethan was home because she could see the hallway light was on as she peered through the letterbox.

"Ethan!?" Alicia shouted through the opening. "Please let me in."

Sighing, Alicia stepped back, surveying the situation. Then it came to her – she must still have a key somewhere amongst her key rings, back from when she was going out with Cal - and she didn't remember ever giving it back.

There it was, Alicia caught the cold, jagged metal as she rummaged through her bag. She had never had to use it until now as she had always been with Ethan whenever she came over.

Swiftly, she turned the lock and entered, closing the door behind her. She could feel no movement in the flat. Maybe Ethan was out.

Walking to the living room, Alicia's heart jumped. Ethan lay on his side, unconscious on the sofa, arms outstretched leaning off the edge. Alicia hoped with everything she had that Ethan was just sleeping. That he was finally getting a good rest, and could relax and not have to think about all of this. She even smiled at the thought of Ethan sleeping peacefully, but she could not deny the dark feeling she had in her stomach.

Moving instantly to his side, Alicia grabbed Ethan's shoulder. "Ethan?" His eyelids didn't even stir. Shaking him a little and then more rigorously, Alicia became distressed as the lifeless body juddered about. Making a grab for Ethan's arms to feel for a pulse, Alicia noticed the wrapper of pills on the table.

In panic, Alicia grabbed them, starting to breathe heavily. "No, no, no, no, no," Alicia began over and over again. She pulled herself closer to Ethan and put her cheek to his mouth, feeling a light air hitting her skin. He was breathing.

In a small sigh of relief, Alicia took her phone from her pocket and dialled 999.

"Ambulance, please,"

Ethan was hugging Cal. They were pushed close together and it felt warm, and safe, and right, in Ethan's bright, clear dreams. He just wanted to stay in this place, forever, with Cal, with his brother. Pulling away, Cal grabbed Ethan's shoulders at arm's length and spoke.

This felt different. It wasn't like the ghosts he had saw, they were cold and still and looked like a frozen picture. This Cal was different; his face held expression and emotion. Ethan never believed in the spiritual but maybe, this once, he would let a little of his faith be swayed. Maybe Cal had come back to him … to say good bye. Maybe it was really him.

"I love you," Cal's voice was soft and true. It felt real.

But other voices began to cloud Ethan's head and he could feel Cal slipping away from him. There were other noises, the sounds of doors and mumbling and they were becoming clearer by the second. In a panic, he grabbed on to his brother as tight as he could, but Cal just looked into Ethan's eyes calmly.

"Everything's going to be okay," Cal reassured his baby brother, as he smiled a cheeky grin and winked. Then the image began to dissolve and seep from existence.

No, no, no, no, no. Ethan tried to yell and then scream but he couldn't hear his voice coming out. He didn't even know where he was. Slowly, he started to feel his head resting on a soft pillow, and his fingers touched thin sheets. There was a mask over his face.

He realised he was gasping for air and his body was jolting up from the bed. Opening his eyes in shock he saw Duffy attempting to calm him and hold him down. The scene above him was very blurry and Duffy was constantly in and out of focus. He could hear voices plainly now but his vision was still not clear.

Dylan's voice was stern, as always. "Okay, that's good," he said as he peered up at the monitor that was hooked to Ethan's body. Ethan's harsh gasps for air had settled and he lay still, vertical and flat.

No, Ethan thought. No, he didn't want this. He didn't want to be brought back, not like this. He was already feeling the pain of his life flooding back to him and the truth of Cal's death was suddenly real again. His stomach began churning in heavy tenderness and his head was stinging. He could barely keep his eyes open but he could hear the people around him in rhesus. Why did they do this to him? Why couldn't they have just left him?

He was happy where he was … with Cal. He just wanted Cal. Ethan's eyes began to water but he didn't have the energy to sob or cry out so the tears just fell down past his ears and soaked the pillow. He had given up on everything.

Ethan felt Jacob's rough hands at his arm as he prodded him with a needle. He didn't care anymore. Let them do what they want with me, Ethan thought, I don't care.

The bleeping of his heartbeat was loud and rhythmic.

Dylan came into Ethan's line of view, although he was very blurry. Dylan scrunched a wrapper in his hands.

"Ethan, listen to me," Ethan couldn't think, he couldn't do anything. He didn't have the energy. He didn't have anything. Dylan spoke with urgency as well as care. "I'm not going to let you die too, okay? How many of these have you taken?" Dylan held up the wrapper of pills to Ethan's line of sight.

The room had gone quiet at Dylan's statement. Ethan heard Dylan's small annoyed tone to his voice, and he felt offended that he wouldn't let him have the freedom to die. Ethan couldn't keep his eyes open much longer. He could feel himself slipping away again, but he didn't want to be saved. He didn't want this.

"Ethan? Ethan?" Duffy and Dylan were calling his name now but they became more distant with each attempt. The rhesus faded to black.

And it was black and Ethan felt nothing, with not even a dream of his brother to comfort him.

Ethan slowing lifted his eyelids and was blinded by the harsh, electronic lights. He could make out the general sounds of the E.D; the wheels of beds on cold floor, the sweeping sounds of cubicle curtains, the opening of doors, the clicks of pens. All of the sounds felt like home and Ethan lay for a while with his eyes closed just listening.

His stomach and his head felt better but were aching and he was now sat slightly upright with no longer a mask on his face. He looked around but there was curiously no one with him. He liked it – not having to talk to anyone about what happened, or explain himself. However, Ethan still felt incredibly tired so he rolled onto his side and soon fell back to sleep without much effort.

Ethan could now feel soft hands in his own and blinking a few times he made out the shape of Alicia, who was sat next to his bed. He had been moved again, from cubicles to a side room on his own. The sound of his heartbeat was still sounding close by to break the silence.

Alicia smiled brightly but Ethan still felt exhausted and just wanted to shut his eyes and go to sleep again. He didn't want to do this right now, but Alicia thought otherwise and when she spoke it was the most hushed voice Ethan had ever heard from her.

"Hey,"

Ethan only looked on, blinking and letting out slow, deep breaths. Neither of them spoke for a few moments, not knowing how to start. After such time Alicia looked down and shook her head, letting out a small sigh.

"What were you doing?" Alicia looking into Ethan's eyes with such remorse pulled a trigger inside of him and he could sense he was going to spill his soul to her if he wasn't careful. With no response but Ethan's never-ending heartbeat from the monitor, Alicia continued staring in hope of answers, in hope of anything.

"Talk to me," Her voice pulled even stronger. Ethan couldn't take it any longer and stuttered over his first few words.

"I'm sorry,"

Alicia's forehead wrinkled up in confusion. What was he apologising for? Yes, he really scared her when she first found him laying there pretty much dead in his flat, but Alicia understood and couldn't imagine the pain and heart ache Ethan must be going through right now. She was obviously mad at him at first but she just wanted him to be happy and maybe, just maybe, live life again.

Ethan continued in answer to Alicia's question. "I didn't mean for you to see me like that," Alicia stopped him further and leaned closer.

"No, no, no, no," Alicia began stroking Ethan's arm and her hushed tone ensured him that he was safe with her. "It's okay," Alicia smiled again. Even after everything, she thought, Ethan is still thinking about me. She loved him with all of herself.

Ethan felt secure and protected with Alicia and could feel more words pouring out.

"Every time I close my eyes, I see him,"

"I know," Alicia said at once. Now Ethan had begun, it became easier to talk and every word felt like the weight of a large stone being lifted from his heart.

Ethan didn't want to die – he just wanted all the pain to stop. Worrying that his friends and Alicia would think he was mad now seemed silly because here was Alicia, the girl he loved, saying that everything was going to be okay. Maybe he could get through this.

Although Ethan knew he had hit rock bottom and couldn't go any further down, he was comforted by just releasing these first few thoughts out loud. It wasn't much, but he could feel that maybe this was the start of living again … with Alicia.

In his head he imagined Cal, as he remembered him and as he loved him.

 _"_ _Remember Nibbles, Life is too Short,"_


End file.
